things i realized today

1. we need a memorial - i don't know about the rest of my family, but i might need to have a celebration of life or a memorial in order to heal. i'm going to need to have that important day when crying or even sobbing in front of people who care is completely acceptable. i need to meet the people who admired my dad. they were mostly people he worked with over the years, but he was such a hard worker and a genuinely good person that those people held him in great esteem. i want to meet them, and i think they'd like to meet me. i'm sure some of them remember me from when i was a child. i feel like, in order to really move on, i need to accept their sympathy, and they need to express it - in person.

2. i want to go home - i miss my babies. my babies make me incredibly happy and i miss their hugs, smiles and voices. on tuesday i may be leaving for oregon. it's an opportunity to finally see my brother's and mom and dad's house, and while i'd love to see them, i don't really want to see them RIGHT NOW. it's a 10 hour drive with 2 big dogs in the back of a tahoe. /sigh i'll have to play tourist and listen to all of their stories about oregon and show me around and i'll just have to absorbabsorbabsorb. i'm tired of absorbing. i want to go home and purge.

3. i don't want to go home - i'm worried about my mom in this empty house. my dad's things are still everywhere. there are a few medical items still here, and for me, those are the hardest to see - the shower chair and the walker he never got the chance to use. also, if the mortuary does not have my dad ready for pickup tomorrow, then she may have to leave him there until she gets back from oregon in the middle of september. i don't feel good about leaving him there for so long, and i think one of us kids should be there when she picks him up. maybe this is something we need to discuss when she calls the mortuary tomorrow. if he's ready for pickup tomorrow, then this is all needless worry.

4. i really want to go home...